
We all remember our first loves. They hold a place in our hearts unsurpassed by all that will follow in years to come. We treasure our firsts, because they represent the beginning of a journey, when all the promise of "what could be" lies ahead of us, and not behind. We make all of our mistakes with our firsts, learn through the joy and through the pain, and somehow, without knowing it at the time, we will spend the rest of our lives chasing that feeling, hoping to experience it again, but knowing deep in our souls that there can only be one first love.
For me, that first love was my Canon AE-1, serial # 374694. I was 16 years old and had sailed through Photo 1 and Photo II classes at Horace Greeley High School, in Chappaqua, New York. It was an upper middle-class town, set in the wooded back roads of Westchester. It would be another 30 years before President Clinton and Hilary would make it a town anyone recognized. Before that, everyone thought it was the town that Teddy Kennedy had driven off the bridge in, to which all Chappaqua residents were trained to say, "No, that's Chappaquiddick." I am sure there are now people in Chappaquiddick who now say, "No, that's Chappaqua," when asked about the former President and his current residence.
In a town where it was not unheard for a kid to get a BMW on their seventeenth birthday, 35mm SLR's (
single lens reflex) were dangling from the necks of my fellow classmates like peace medallions at
Woodstock.
Until that point in time, I made due with by borrowing my mother's rangefinder. It was a very decent camera, but it came with a fixed lens, and focusing was not always a guaranteed proposition, especially in low light where matching up the two yellow squares was dubious.
I dropped hints at almost every dinner. Between arguing over the legalization of marijuana and the hostages in Iran, I would mention that my good friend, Matt Arkin, had shown me his
Olympus Om-1, and how cool it was. I explained what an SLR was to my parents, and they could see how excited I was about the whole thing. I told them why looking through the lens itself was so much better, and I went on and on about how you could switch to different lenses for different situations. They always nodded during these diatribes, but somehow I knew that we really couldn't afford this luxury item at this point in our lives. Maybe if it were a graduation present, or a major birthday, I might see it happening, but these were frugal times, and my parents did all they could do to make ends meet as it was. I knew if they could, they would, and that point, they couldn't.
I continued to learn from our resident photography teacher, Mr. Swayne. He was probably an ex-hippie, very laid back, handle bar-moustache ever-present, and a tough critic. I liked him a lot. When I finished taking Photo 1 and Photo 2, he invited me to continue on to advanced Photography. I was now surrounded by the full gamut of gear, from Olympus to Canon, from Mamiya to Rolleiflex. One very rich kid even had a Leica. I drooled every time I came within two feet of it. It was a beautiful object to behold.
I shot every day. I shot trees, I shot students, I shot girls, I shot rocks. I had "Beginner's Mind" before I had to think about it. I was a virgin in this new world, and loving every part of it. The smell of the darkroom, with its pungent chemicals and slightly damp must was like my own private cathedral. I would enter this space like a priest enters a church. I knew there were secrets to be learned in that dark place and it drew me ever deeper the more time I would spend there.
One sunny day, my mother and I were driving around doing mundane errands when we stopped in our pre-Walmart world at
Caldor's Department Store in Bedford Hills. My sister worked at the Customer Service Desk and I had spent many hours buying Estes Rocket model kits there to fuel my genetically pre-determined pyromaniac adolescent longings. Blowing things up and setting them on fire was a short but satisfying rites of passage.
My mother, a beautiful and gentle woman to this day, asked if I would help her with one of her errands. I followed her reluctantly, assuming I would pulled into some mom project. She had just completed a
decoupage phase, but I digress.
We found ourselves in the electronics department. This was long before the concept of Circuit City's existed. The glass counters were lined with
big round plastic radios in bright colors, and stereophonic hi-fi systems sporting 8-Track tape players. It was nothing short of heaven for a 16 year old kid. I had no idea what my mother could want in this section of the store.
A bald man with glasses greeted us and asked how he could help. My mother then smiled and and said, "I wonder if you could talk to my son about cameras."
I could not believe the words that my mother had just said. I felt a rush of adrenalin kick through my body and suddenly the fluorescent lights seemed to burn just that much brighter, and I looked at Mom to make sure she wasn't going crazy. She just stood there smiling in silence. She was as happy as any day I have known. She knew I could not be more surprised and she was relishing the moment.
The man walked me down to the display case that held all of the cameras of the day. Not your Leicas, mind you, but all of the SLR's competing at that point in time. There was Nikon, Olympus, Minolta, Canon, Contax, and others I had never heard of. The man pulled out two or three bodies and laid them gently on the glass counter top. I picked up Matt's OM-1. There it was, the object of my desire, right in the palms of sweaty hands. I looked through the viewfinder. It was the equivalent of The Rabbit Hole for me. I would never look back. I wanted to follow this world to whatever corner it took me. I was gone. Just gone.
I spent the next hour with the salesman, a very patient man who rattled of specs that meant nothing to me at the time. He told me that I could attach a motor-drive to some models, but not others. He said I could shoot in AE mode or manual, and that if I needed to underexpose I could choose increments of 1/3 a second or 1/4 f-stop. He turned buttons, popped shutters rapid-fire and swapped lenses faster than I could think. There were now 8 cameras on the counter, 10 lenses and two flash units. My mother stood there the entire time and never said a word. She was always a good student, and I think she enjoyed learning about these cameras, but most of all, I think she just enjoyed watching me taking it all in.
Then, a funny thing happened. I put the OM-1 down and picked up the Canon AE-1. I was surprised that it fit in my hands better than the Olympus. I put it back down immediately and returned to the OM-1. After all, the Olympus OM-1 was the camera that started my lust. This was the surefire status symbol that had had personally been tested in the real world with proven results on the scale of coolness. Hey, this was the camera...right?
I aimed the OM-1 around for a few more minutes, clicking that shutter because it sounded like something I couldn't quite put a name too, until I squeezed off a few more pops of the shutter and it hit me. It was the sound of "professional." A sound that hit me at a cellular level. A sound that still hits me when I am shooting today. It has never left me and that is not a romantic ideal, it is the truth as I know it.
Back at the counter, something wonderful was about to happen. I was about to choose my first, and there is a moment in all of our choices in life when you have to stop and listen to that voice within that knows no reason, but has wisdom by the bucket load. That very voice was telling me, "Chris, pick up the AE-1 again. Go ahead, I dare you," and I took that dare. I reached over and picked up the Canon. I turned it upside down and sideways. I cocked the shutter several more times, and then, I turned to my mother and I said, "I don't know if we can afford this, but I think this is my camera." Without blinking, my mother said, "Don't worry about that right now. Are you sure this is the one?" I was sure. I took one last look at Matt's Olympus, and folks, I never looked back.
I listened as my mother asked the salesman how much the camera would cost. He said that it was our lucky day, because the Canon was now on sale for $179.00. That translated to a thousand dollars in my head. It seemed like a lot of money, but my mother didn't hesitate to take out her check book and pay the man.
The man disappeared for a few minutes into the back stock room. I leaned into my mother and thanked her profusely for her generosity. It was the smallest of moments to the casual shopper passing by, but it was a moment that I will treasure for all the years of my life.
The bald man returned and presented me with a silver box with the bold Canon logo printed on all sides and the model name, Canon AE-1. It sat on my lap all the way home. I didn't want to open it for fear of shortening the moment. I wanted this moment to last forever, to savor all the feelings, all the promise that this small box held.
We drove in silence. I looked out the window at the trees going by, my mother sitting beside me so pleased with herself, and I pondered my life as a photographer, that at this point in time, was ahead of me and not behind.
Epilogue: It was that very camera that I took on two separate trips to South America. Once to travel
The Mighty Amazon River, and once to participate in an 8500 mile race across the continent. At one point, my camera was left behind in a VW Taxi in Iquitos, Peru. Gone. But, thanks to the good nature of the cabbie, he returned a half hour later with my luggage that he forgot to remove from the front of the Beetle. It was the camera I used to document the birth of my daughters, my first car, my summer trips with my friends, and my girlfriend at college. I had that camera from the age of 16 until my early forties, when sadly, while visiting
Playand Amusement Park in Rye, New York, my daughter jumped into my arms by surprise and the camera slipped from my shoulder. It landed squarely on the corner of the body and shattered the casing. There was now a light-leak that showed up on every single frame. My first love could not be saved. It was a sad moment, to say the least.
I eventually graduated to the Canon AE-1 Program, followed by the Canon A-1. When digital began, the Canon 10-D, and now the Canon Mark II. I sold most of the cameras I have acquired over the years, but there is one camera I still keep on the shelf in my office, in plain view, to remind me of my mother, of that day at Caldor's, and my journey into the world of photography.